Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My feet surprised me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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