you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
