I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
No subtext here. People are naked.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
