you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
