got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
