Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
