im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize