when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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