Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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