You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
