I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
