You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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