I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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