I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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