So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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