I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
