Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
