1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Randomize
