i permit you to call me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
