Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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