Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
