So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
