just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
