Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We're too hungover to prance.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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