I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
