Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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