I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize