I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
