The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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