his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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