I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
