I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
