I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
