Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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