3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
