Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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