I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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