Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize