You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
