i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I have fence marks all over my body
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
