Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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