This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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