you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
