Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
