9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
