FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
