You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
try to milk me bitch
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
