I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The uberlube is also flammable
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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