Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
