either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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