so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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