maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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