we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
