I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
