Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize