i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
