the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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