something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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