angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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