A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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