Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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