I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
