When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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