The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
