That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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