Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
