I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
