I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
