She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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