3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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