Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
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