the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
